Thursday, August 11, 2011

good patient becomes bad patient

We're in the 4th month of this shit. So far I've been a pretty good patient, doing what the doctor says, following orders and working to get better.  Sure I've had moments of being pissed off or depressed, but generally I think I've kept a fairly positive attitude. Until yesterday that is.  Every morning I take about 11 or 12 pills. Yesterday was no different, except it really pissed me off. 11 fucking pills, every fucking day. It's becoming a real bullshit deal.  I really need to see improvement.  Anyhow, that got my day started off on the wrong foot.  Then last night I had a fever, and Dr Phan has been very clear that if I have a fever I need to go to emergency, because I might have an infection.  Well going against his recommendation and Leslie's recommendation, I opted to not go to the hospital.  (Please note.....not looking for advise or any tsks tsks).  I knew the fever would break. And more importantly for me, I knew if I went to emergency I'd end up spending 4 days in the hospital and by day 2, I'd be thinking about how I can kill myself and if I'd have to gumption to actually do it. (again, no advise please.....just venting and letting the thoughts flow).  When I spent 8 days in the hospital a couple of weeks ago it was horrible and I'm not ready for that again. Foolish? Perhaps. But it was decision I made. Leslie called me out as a bad patient, and I can't disagree.

I've been at work every day this week, but I've also been pretty tired. I think the chemo is starting to wear me down a bit. It's hard waking up in the morning.  Tomorrow we have a kidney doctor appointment and hopefully there is improvment. There sure the fuck better be. And I really want these tubes out of my chest.....they're annoying, there is a risk of infection, I can't shower, and I can't roll over on my side. Please let me get the tubes out next week. That alone will help my mood.

We see Berenson next week and will have a good idea if this new regimen is working or not. Again...it sure the fuck better be working. I've been thinking about a rental house I have in Fallon, Nevada. The mortgage is like $850 a month and it's in the middle of nowhere.  Maybe I'll just move in to that house and live a quiet cancer filled life in the middle of Nevada. Woohoo, exciting!!!

What else? I think that's about it for the update.  I had blood work this week, I did a 24 hour urine test (self dignity is out the window), and I'm taking a laxative to flush potassium from my system and that's playing mad games on my belly...if you know what I mean.  But otherwise it's been quiet.

2 comments:

  1. No judgement here, Matt. I'm grateful that you are sharing it all--even the bad stuff. I'm not sure people realize how brave and cool even that part is...your ability to express it so well is truly amazing. It's a talent. So thanks. And also, now I'm totally pissed off for you. THIS. SO. SUCKS.
    Julee

    ReplyDelete
  2. vent away, playa.... bad patient or not.

    thoughts are with you and hopes that something will indeed get better.

    i knew you were angry when you mentioned moving to Nevada.

    i'm sorry this sucks so increasingly, horrifically, monumentally, unbelievably, painfully fucking bad.... not supposed to be like this at all.

    ReplyDelete