Tuesday, April 21, 2015


Been an eventful, uneventful month. I had a nasty cold a couple of weeks back, forcing me (Dr Phan) to postpone day 1 of my maintenance chemo. As much as I hate getting off schedule, I agreed with the doctor and Leslie that doing chemo while my immune system was fighting the virus would not have been a good idea.  Then last week, I couldn't do chemo because we were traveling to Albuquerque and I didn't want to feel like crap on the trip.  Yes....Albuquerque. More on that in a minute.

Today I got back on schedule, we did day 1 of this latest cycle. This means I was off chemo for a month.  This month off came on the heels of Dr Berenson telling us a drug break was a no no....that my myeloma, while stable, might aggressively kick in.  I'm pretty sure, Berenson was referring to a few month break.  Phan assured me that the extra two weeks off was no big deal.  And I must say that I feel spectacular with a month of no cancer drugs being put into my system.  But I must also say that I was pretty anxious during this time off.  Phan had me do complete labs last week to give me a peace of mind. The numbers came in and still stable. And now we're back at it, which I'm glad about.

So, Albuquerque.  Since Breaking Bad, I've had a bit of an obsession about Albuquerque.  Well it turns out that Leslie's oldest and bestest friend Marissa's sister lives in Albuquerque. So me, Leslie, Marissa, her husband Jace (who's been super supportive since I was diagnosed (fyi..May 2 is 4 years), and their son Ryan traveled to see the sister, Lisa and her husband Bernard. The nicest people. Side note...Bernard was a Lt Colonel in the Air Force and has an tremendous collection of awards, certificates and the like.  We flew out last Thursday. On Friday we did our own self guided Breaking Bad tour. So much fun.  We saw a total of 11 different locations from the show.  The visit motivated me to rewatch the show.  Started up during chemo today and got through the first three episodes.  The whole weekend was terrific.  Great people, great laughs, just plain great trip. But i feel like there is so much more too see and that we need to go back.  

While there, I tried to meet up with a fellow myeloma patient named Ken.  But we screwed up by not planning ahead.  I went by the coffee house where he works and arrived 50 minutes after they closed. I found out later that he had actually been inside when I came by.  Oops.  I think Ken is about my age and was also diagnosed around 4 years ago.  He's also a little tired of thinking and talking about myeloma. So it would have been good to meet up and talk about what we don't want to talk about.  Next time. 

Had a visit with the dermatologist this morning. I need to use a cream on my forehead to prevent some pre skin cancer spots from turning into cancer.  I think the cream is going to give me a nasty looking forehead for a couple of weeks.

Lastly, if you don't alread, you should follow Brad Coustan's and Pat Killingsworth's blogs. Both are sharing openly and honestly their difficult journeys as well as their awesome spirit. I have no doubt that they're both on the road to being better than ever (to borrow from Brad's recent post)

Below are a few photos from the trip.  You might recognize some of the spots.

Be well everyone!  Matt

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Victor and Olivia Present....

Take a look at the latest from Brad Coustan aka Bradstrong. He has a truly awesome family.  I continue to be impressed.  If you happen to be in the NY/New Jersey area on May 15, I strongly recommend you attend this event.

4/15/15 – Victor and Olivia Present …

For their Bar/Bat Mitzvah projects, Victor and his friend Olivia Roth organized an ENTIRE event to raise money for the MMRF.  The fundraiser is a special, opening night, private screening of the highly anticipated movie PITCH PERFECT 2, on FRIDAY MAY 15 at the RIALTO THEATRE in WESTFIELD, NJ.
Please see the attached flyer to purchase your tickets or make a donation to these kids’ project.  Hurry and act now, tickets ARE limited and we know you don’t want to miss this one.
We (The Roths and the Coustans) couldn’t be more proud of our children for the idea and the execution for such a great cause!
CLICK HERE FOR FLYER:  BRADSTRONG Screens Pitch Perfect 2[1]

Friday, April 10, 2015

Turning Bad into Good

You might have heard the recent story of Elizabeth Sedway, a multiple myeloma survivor, and her family getting removed from an Alaska Airlines flight because she indicated she sometimes get weak and needed extra time getting on the plane.  They were returning from a family vacation and after already being in their seats, they were taken off the plane, under the guise of the airline looking out for her well being. Alaska Air called a company called Medlink, talked for two minutes and over the phone decided that Elizabeth should not be allowed to fly home without a doctor's note. Since this incident, Alaska Air has released a couple of statements that do nothing but highlight how they completely overstepped.

The silver lining and most impressive thing is that Elizabeth, a UCLA graduate, and her family have been gracious and have taken the high road. They have used this opportunity to raise awareness of multiple myeloma and raise funds for research & support services via the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation.  In fact Elizabeth has donated her refund from Alaska Air to the MMRF.  If you are so moved by this recent incident and the Sedway's response, below is a link to a donation page created on the MMRF website.  Thanks!


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The Only Thing I Can Control is My Attitude

Cool Short documentary on Daniel Rodriquez, who after his cancer diagnosis, took up base jumping and wing suit flying. Check it out:

Grantland Features: ‘Flying From Cancer’ «

Monday, April 6, 2015


This is Wilbur. He was adopted by my friend John and his family in the San Luis Obispo area.  It's a happy feel good picture.

Sunday, April 5, 2015


Brad Coustan is a great friend and inspiration who has been challenged during his myeloma journey. But he's bouncing back. I've provided a link and copied his latest post. He and his family are quite remarkable.


4/5/15 – Seder … and other stuff

My first venture outside the house other than to a doctor’s office was Friday night for Seder at Helene’s parents.  It was a lot of work for me.  First of all, I am only two and one half weeks from being discharged from the hospital from the pneumonia.  Secondly, that time of day (between 5 and 8 PM) is really my witching hour.  It is when I am at my worst as far as fatigue goes.
Passover, though, is my second favorite holiday next to Thanksgiving.  I had to be there.  AND … I had to prove it to myself that I could make it through.  I did, although I had to get up from the table a couple of times and rest on the couch.  The worst part of that was that I got up right before singing (which is my forte and Passover role every year) and nobody picked up my lead and led the group in Dayenu in a round.
I will say … I am very HAPPY I went.  I almost didn’t go.  I don’t really want anyone to see me in a weak state.  I am thirty – that’s right 30 – pounds lighter than normal weight.  At least it’s not as bad as when I first came home from the hospital and it was FORTY pounds.  The other reason I was happy is that I love my family so much.  Helene, the kids, Helene’s parents, Helene’s sisters, their husbands and kids and my brother his wife and kids.  If I were allowed to hand pick a family I couldn’t have done any better.  Our Uncle Les and his friend Joyce.  Their love and support has remained steadfast during the most difficult time in my life.
The Cancer numbers are GREAT.  The pneumonia almost killed me.  I faced death because my weakened immune system couldn’t handle the pneumonia.  Now?  Now I am rehabilitating my body.  Working on my endurance and stamina and trying like heck to get some semblance of muscle tone back so that I can go forward as #bradstrong on that MMRF video.
Yesterday and today (so far) have been tough.  I am coughing a lot and am really out of breath and short on stamina.  I think it is from the blood pressure medication the doc prescribed me.  He said one of the side effects would be coughing.  I have never, EVER had high blood pressure until now.  My heart is working so hard to keep up and pump oxygen into my body because my endurance is still so low.  I am getting there.  Today I feel a little better.  Last night I had no appetite.  Today I am eating again like a horse.  It is a beautiful day in New Jersey so I am going to try to take a walk outside if I am up for it later.
I hope that whatever holiday you celebrate (Passover or Easter) it was a good one.  I hope that you spent it with family and close friends.  People that you love and support you UNCONDITIONALLY.  I once heard George W. Bush speak at a conference.  Politics aside, he said something that has stuck with me since hearing it.  He said “UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MITIGATES RISK.”  That’s one of the things his father taught him.  If you fail, I will still love you.  Keep trying.  Keep at it.  I have a support network – a family that loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.  It makes it really easy to battle when you feel that support.  There is no RISK.  You just live each day.  Fight each day.  Do your best each day.  In the end, Cancer may get me.  I don’t think it will for a long time, but if it does?  I know that I wasn’t afraid to face it – to fight it – because I had that UNCONDITIONAL love.
Enough rambling – Happy Easter.  Let’s go fight Cancer today.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

doctors are funny

Yesterday was my monthly Berenson visit.  I got most of my lab results the day before. Most. We were missing the upep, which represents the paraprotein or bad protein in my urine.  It's a percent of my total protein output over a 24 hour period.  I've had problems in the past with the lab screwing this one test up. They've been doing good lately, so I wasn't too worried about it. But when I saw the % wasn't there, I called my contact at the lab. She told me that she had been out for a couple of months on medical leave and that while out the lab didn't order some of supplies needed to run the upep test. What? If one person is gone, a lab can't do what it's job is?  Very curious. Fortunately all my other numbers looked great. Kappa light chains lower than they've been in a long time. So no changes to my regimen. All good.

I've been battling this pesky cold. Not myeloma related.  Berenson said I need to be on some antibiotics so it doesn't get out of hand. Definitely with a compromised immune system, I need to knock this shit out. He told me to ask Phan to write me a prescription. We called Phan's office and he was out for the day. So we asked a nurse at Berenson to ask Dr B if he could write a prescription since Phan wasn't around.  Dr B said he didn't feel comfortable writing it, that my primary doctor should.  Ummm... Berenson prescribes hard hitting chemo drugs but wouldn't prescribe an antibiotic? Weird.  So one of Phan's nurse tracked Phan down. Phan talked to Dr B and then Phan wrote the prescription. It reminded me of when I was first diagnosed how bleeping hard it was to get various doctors to communicate with each other. Anyhow, I got the antibiotic and I'm now relaxing to get over this cold. Tuesday is chemo and I don't want Phan delaying it cause I'm sick.

We know how I am with routines and missing treatment.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Dan Odegard

Dan Odegard passed away Tuesday.  Dan and his partner Tib are friends with my mom. When I was first diagnosed, Dan was the first to contact me.  He explained to me what to expect, honestly and not necessarily glowingly. I was scared and lost, and not necessarily open to the help and guidance that Dan was offering. For that, I am ashamed and have a huge regret.  Dan and Tib live in Minnesota, which as we know is my favorite state.

Over the past few months, Dan and I were exchanging emails. He wanted to know how I was doing. I wanted to know how he was doing.  How Dan and Tib handled and prepared for this moment was so inspiring and beautiful. Over these past few months, I came to regard Dan as a close friend, a mentor and a role model. He was an amazing person and I miss those emails already.  It's a sad day.

He went on his terms and that's all you can ask.

If you watched the recent Vice episode on HBO that discussed the measles trial, Dan was part of this trial. He and Tib were in the show.

Tib as well is an amazing person. Humor, grace and honesty.  The other day, Tib posted the following on Dan's Caring Bridge site. Please give it a read.  Have a tissue handy.

Dear friends,
Pete is sitting by Dan's side, reading to him in the hospital bed that was delivered yesterday. Early Sunday morning Dan started to develop a fever, and began to decline quickly. I remember writing about our brave little band five years ago - gathering with love, warmth and humor to support Dan and each other. Yesterday, we celebrated his 'present moments' and were gentle guardians and comforters during the confused ones. Through word or expression he let each of us know of his love.
Time now seems suspended - Saturday night at 9:30 we were doing dishes and chatting together companionably, . This is what we wished for - all is well. Not easy, not always tidy, but whole and loving.
Pete is reading from a book of essays by E.B. White. He read this line: "A person who is looking for something never travels fast." It struck me that Dan is traveling at just the right speed, taking the time he needs, giving us the chance to care for him in this deeply personal way, giving us time with each other.

I looked it up. The line is from Stuart Little. Google sent me to the website of a law professor named Douglas O. Linder. I liked what I found.

(Bear with me here.)
At the end of the book, Stuart comes across a telephone company repairmen:
"Which direction are you headed? [the repairman] asked.
"North," said Stuart.
"North is nice," said the repairman. "I've always enjoyed going north. Of course, south-west is a fine direction, too."
"Yes, I suppose it is," said Stuart, thoughtfully.
"And there's east," continued the repairman. "I once had an interesting experience on an easterly course. Do you want me to tell you about it?"
"No thanks," said Stuart.
The repairman seemed disappointed, but he kept right on talking. "There's something about north," he said, "something that sets it apart from all other directions. A person who is heading north is not making any mistake, in my opinion."
"That's the way I look at it," said Stuart. "I rather expect that from now on I shall be traveling north until the end of my days."
"Worse things than that could happen to a person," said the repairman.
"Yes, I know," answered Stuart.
"Following a broken telephone line north, I have come upon some wonderful places," continued the repairman. "Swamps where cedars grow and turtles wait on logs but not for anything in particular; fields bordered by crooked fences broken by years of standing still; orchards so old they have forgotten where the farmhouse is. In the north I have eaten my lunch in pastures rank with ferns and junipers, all under fair skies with a wind blowing. My business has taken me into spruce woods on winter nights where the snow lay deep and soft, a perfect place for a carnival of rabbits. I have sat at peace on the freight platforms of railroad junctions in the north, in the warm hours and with the warm smells. I know fresh lakes in the north, undisturbed except by fish and hawk and, of course, by the Telephone Company, which has to follow its nose. I know all these places well. They are a long way from here--don't forget that. And a person who is looking for something doesn't travel very fast."
"That's perfectly true," said Stuart. "Well, I guess I'd better get going. Thank you for your friendly remarks."
"Not at all," said the repairman. "I hope you find that bird."
Stuart rose from the ditch, climbed into his car, and started up the road that led toward the north. The sun was just coming up over the hills on his right. As he peered ahead into the great land that stretched before him, the way seemed long. But the sky was bright, and somehow he felt he was headed in the right direction."
Linder writes: [North, indeed, is a good direction--maybe the best--, but this passage is really about the importance of having a directed life, an openness to the wonders of the world, and--in spite of the evidence--a certain optimism.]

He has just described Dan perfectly.

An old euphemism for dying is "going west". West is good, but in my heart of hearts I believe that Dan is going north.

47 Months

Today is April 2. 47 months since my myeloma diagnosis. Going strong.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015


In one month and a day, I'll hit the 4 year mark since my diagnosis. I'm on my maintenance routine. I do chemo one day every other week. It's a short session...2 hours.  For about 4 days following chemo, I'm on the dreaded dex roller coaster. Sucks.  But the every other week that I'm not doing treatment, I feel great.  Energy is up (considering I'm always low on hemoglobin), I work out, I work, I started guitar lessons, I laugh a lot, I can stay awake past 8 pm (sometimes) and life is pretty normal.  I can handle this no problem.

 I do get twinges of guilt when I hear about friend's struggles and challenges with the disease. Doesn't really seem fair. I've been pretty fortunate. Mind you I know it can change at any time. But I'm doing everything I can to keep my immune system humming along, keeping the myeloma at bay.

Meanwhile, I've accepted what myeloma means and what my fate could be. I think I've become much stronger in this regard. I've learned a lot from watching others.  But, and this might sound odd, I think being in my routine and having a fairly normal life has lulled me into having a sense of security that I'm going to beat this and will continue with my routine for decades.   But, and here is the weird part, there are times I'm not sure how I feel about going forward with this massive unknown hanging over me, while I whistle through my routine. I'd prefer things be more black and white. Like why can't someone say that in June of 2019 I'll relapse and be unable to find a drug that slows my myeloma. It would give me a target. A goal. Something to aim for. I'm probably not making any sense. In my head, it makes sense.

I don't blog very often. Not much to say. And part of it is that I've been lulled into this sense of security. Like why blog about myeloma if I'm not impacted by it. (although by writing this, I'm probably jinxing myself. Not like a Robert Durst jinx...but a jinx like it's better not to say something, cause it will come back to bite me). Also, I don't blog much, because I don't want questions about the myeloma and I don't want people asking me about something I wrote or how I am doing.  Let's pretend it doesn't exist. Ironically, I also get a little perturbed when people don't ask me how I'm doing for an extended period. WTF, don't they know I have an incurable cancer. Ask me how I'm doing for crying out loud. Check in with me once in a while. Wait...don't ask me, I don't want to talk about it.

My routine is what allows me to keep going and put the myeloma on the mental back burner. Last summer I had that minor surgery that kept me in bed for a couple of weeks. That wrecked havoc on my routine and challenged my mental fortitude. This week, my off week, I have a slight cold. Enough of a cold that I left work early today so I could sleep and recuperate quickly.  This cold has thrown me off me routine. It's a slap against my routine. It gets my mind whirling, thinking that yeah, if I get truly sick in the future, that it's going to suck and I might not be as strong mentally as I thought. I hate being sick. It's unacceptable. I particularly hate being sick with something other than myeloma. I don't have time for this. I can't handle it.

When first diagnosed, I was really concerned that going forward the cancer would define me. That frightened me.  Recently I reconnected with my cancer coach and I told her that I'm now ok with the cancer defining me. And that I feel like I need to do more to give back to the cancer community. Up until this recent exchange,  I've always agreed with her. But this time I didn't. She told me that since I'm so enmeshed in myeloma and cancer, that I need to find things to think about and do that have no relation to cancer. She used an analogy of how a lifeguard can't save someone else if they haven't ensured their own safety first. Not so fast, my friend. For whatever reason, I've been given this opportunity. Every day I save myself . So it'd be selfish to put blinders on and just worry about me. I'm a speck and have had a good life and have been pretty self focused for ages. Enough about me.

I'm rambling and I haven't even had any cold medicine. I'm not sure what my point is here. Thankfully myeloma has turned into a marathon. But I still need to live for the now. I still need to not get sucked into not throwing caution to the wind. Let it fly, cause you never know. Oops, don't let it fly cause I have decades to go.  This is some whiny shit that I'm writing. But damn, four years is getting to be a while with this thing. Four years is a long time to have an oversized question mark floating over my head. I must shake this cold, get back to my routine and figure out what to do with myself for the rest of my long life.  

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Cruising through another cycle

Wrapped up another cycle of maintenance today.  That means insomnia, crazy energy, followed by a crash. That's my next 3 or 4 days.  Later this week I'll do my monthly 24 urine collection. Results middle of next week, followed by a Berenson visit.  My blood counts are hanging in there. No procrit this week.

Last month, after Berenson's visit, I saw a new kidney doctor. I hadn't been in nearly 10 months to any kidney doctor. Probably too long...but also a sign that my kidneys keep on hanging in there. Because it was a new doctor, he wanted me to get a kidney ultrasound, so he can see how they look., i.e. blockage, etc.  Last week I had the ultrasound. I tried to get a picture of my kidneys on the machine, but the nurse told me that isn't allowed. She said it's now the law and even expecting parents can't a copy of their ultrasound. The funny thing is she blamed it on Tom Cruise. She said that when he was married to Katie Holmes and she was pregnant, he bought his own ultrasound machine. And to protect the output, he lobbied the state to change the law about the sharing of images from ultrasound. "look it up" she told me. I haven't yet, but perhaps tonight while I'm not sleeping, I will look it up. Sounds a bit doubtful to me, but you never know. Anyhow, the result is that I couldn't get a photo of my own kidneys.  Dr Phan today told me that he saw them and everything looks good, nothing to worry about.

Also right now, we have March Madness going on.  92 people are playing in Blood Cancer Madness Pool and have done brackets.  The beauty is that half the funds go to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  Next year, I'd like to get 200. This weekend I did an MMRF 5k in San Francisco. My mom was going to walk with me, but wasn't feeling 100% , so I went alone. On the walk I met a woman who lost her husband to myeloma in 2011.  We walked and talked, she was very nice. She was telling me how much the LLS did for her and her husband in terms of paying for travel and expenses when they needed to travel to see other myeloma specialists.  This weekend was also the Big Climb in Seattle. Obviously I didn't do it this year, but I have done it in the past and it also supports the LLS.  There are so many great organizations out there. Fund raising is tough. I try to do one event a year, but years come around quickly and I start to feel like I'm bugging people. That's what nice about using March Madness as the fund raiser. People love doing brackets, they can win money and money goes to the LLS. Win, win, win.

Just finished up a Caesar salad and matzo ball soup. A post chemo tradition. Soon I'll doze off for a couple of hours, then I'm awake for the next 24 hours or so.

What else? We're going to Albuquerque next month. Yes!! For you Breaking Bad fans...how great is Better Call Saul?  Very great.  Watched The Interview while doing chemo today. Super funny. I was LOLing right there in the infusion room.  Friday is UCLA vs Gonzaga in the sweet sixteen. Go Bruins!!

And don't  get me started on the Adrian Peterson situation. Argh.

Not sure if folks follow my friends Brad Coustan and Pat Killingsworth. Both are facing challenging times with their myeloma. Both are persevering and are taking the disease head on.  Another friend, Dan is doing hospice, having run out of options.  I've exchanged a few emails with him over the past couple of months. The way in which he and Tib, his partner, are handling this is truly beautiful.  Sometimes it just feels like words when I try to express how I feel about these friends. But believe when I say, I'm moved by them and am lucky to know all of them.

And that's about it.  I'm feeling good. Numbers holding steady. Everything is fairly routine.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Last Call for March Madness

Brackets need to be done by 9 AM west coast time, today Thursday March 19.  My goal was a 100 participants.  Up to 91.
So I am making one last push. Just $10 per entry. Money is split, with 50% going to Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and 50% going to 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.    w And feel free to share this with anyone who might be interested. Just follow the below link.


Sunday, March 15, 2015

Blood Cancer Madness 2015

It’s that time of year again, let the March  Madness begin, please consider joining in on the excitement. Cost is $10, half the money goes to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society,  the other half goes to 1st, 2nd and 3rd place winners.

Last year, we raised over $1,000 for the LLS. I'd love to surpass that number this year.

The actual first round is Thursday March 19 at 12:20 EST, so picks need to be in prior to tip off.

You can send checks or cash for your buy in to me at: Matt Goldman, 2137 N Studebaker Rd., Long Beach , CA 90815 or paypal mattgol@gmail.com.

Group Name is Blood Cancer Madness 2015, password is: bloodcancer.

The link to participate  is below, you also have to join Yahoo sports, which is no big deal.

The more people or entries the better, a great cause and a fun time of year! Just le me know that you are participating, you can join multiple times but each entry is $10.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

My Myeloma Recap

Yesterday was the start of Cycle 5 of my latest maintenance.  Both Doctors Phan and Berenson are happy with how I'm doing. I'm happy with how I'm doing. Leslie, my mom and Gracie are happy with how I'm doing. We're all happy. I'm approaching 4 years since my diagnosis.  With the approaching milestone, I thought it would be good idea to recap what's happened and what's happening.

Ready? Here we go.

I was diagnosed May 2, 2011 at the ripe age of 49. (note this is the same day that Bin Laden was killed, which I had no idea about until a few days later) For about 3 months leading up to this date, I was fighting horrible fatigue, daily fevers, and night sweats.  I used to ride my bike to work every day. 10 miles each way.  I was having huge problems catching my breath while riding. I was totally unaware that I was living with severe anemia, hence getting oxygen to my system was tough. For 3 months we tested me for an assortment of ailments. Never once was cancer mentioned or considered. Eventually I was hospitalized, we did a bone marrow biopsy, saw my kidneys were on the verge of failure and BAM we had myeloma. I'm Kappa light chain myeloma but can't remember if I have chromosomal deletion.

Dr Phan was the oncologist on duty while I was in the hospital, which is an amazingly fortunate break for me. Couldn't ask for a more caring, communicative doctor.

Note that yesterday, there was a new nurse at Dr Phan's office. A male nurse...my first one in four years.

We started me off with Velcade and dex. MM got worse. We added doxil. Didn't work. MM got worse. We dropped doxil and added thalidomide. Didn't work, MM got worse. At this time, Phan sent me to Berenson. Berenson wasn't messing around and put me on treanda and added a second oral steroid, medrol...at the time a rarely used myeloma chemo drug. But we had to do something, or as Dr B said, I'd be lucky to see the end of 2011. We saw fairly immediate results. Numbers started dropping after one cycle. We did twelve cycles and then went on to maintenance for about a year and a half.

Also note that in the interim, I went to City of Hope to discuss an autologous stem cell transplant. They wouldn't touch me however, given my poor kidney function. Keep that in mind, when you see success rates of transplant facilities....they may cherry pick patients to boost the odds of success. 

Berenson is quite and not quietly anti transplant.  I'm fairly entrenched in his camp given my success. I did harvest my stem cells just in case and they are frozen away at Cedars Sinai.

Another note, I've only been kidney impacted. Even today my bones are good. I make sure I do weight bearing exercise regularly to keep the bones strong. so far so good. Fingers crossed.

Also in the interim I had a kidney doctor that wanted me to start dialysis.  I wasn't symptomatic of failed kidneys.  But with creatinine over 8, she said it was time. I got a fistula in my left wrist. Before that she refused to take out a crazy catheder that was hanging off my neck allowing me to do plasmaphersis...a crazy machine blood cleansing that was the precursor to dialysis.  Appointments with her were doom and gloom. Her tone was basically that I was going to dye. F her. To this day, she is my least favorite doctor I've had. Another reminder, you can drop any doctor you want if you aren't feeling a connection. I dumped this kidney doctor.  I got the fistula, but opted to not do dialysis. From my perspective, the kidneys still worked.

Leslie and I saw a few different nutritionists to get me on a kidney friendly diet.  Now we have my creatinine down to low threes. Out of "failure" range. I've been able to avoid dialysis and add certain foods in moderation to my diet. As along as we keep the myeloma under control, my kidneys will keep working. I also do acupuncture and focus on the kidneys with that.

Last year, I had my first relapse. We caught it early and put me back on treanda. 8 cycles later we had my numbers down to an acceptable range. For this past 5 months I've been back on easy breezy maintenance.

Fast forward to today.  Nearly 4 years in. Doing good. Mentally it's still a challenge though.  I work full time, I work out regularly. I got married. Life is fairly normal. But, I think it's important to mention the following:
  • I still do chemo once every two weeks.
  • I see a doctor for some reason or another at least once a week.
  • I get weekly procrit shots (if needed) to help my blood counts.
  • I do lab work twice a month. Because of my fistula, I can't use my left arm for blood draws. We took my first port out a while ago because it might have been infected. So infusion and blood draws were all in my right arm. Those veins eventually stopped working. So I got a new port and now I have to go to Phan's office for biweekly blood draws. Makes the effort a bit more time consuming as opposed to just going to the lab. Saw a new kidney doctor last week and he wanted his lab to get some blood. It was a real bitch and took several tries to get blood from the right arm.
  • I have energy and mood roller coasters from my biweekly dex. Adds to the challenge.
And that's it. I'm happy with my status. I'm happy with me. I was told I'd become a better and happier person through all this. I laughed 4 years ago at the thought. But it's very true.  But challenges are still there.

I've met some amazing people over these 4 years and made some life long new friends. I've also lost some friends. And I continue to watch friends struggle mightily. Inspiration though is gained from all these people. Everybody is strong and focused and dedicated.  I do my best to emulate them.

Thanks everyone who has supported me all this time and thanks for understanding that I'm living a new normal. New but not necessarily better or worse. Just different. What choice do I have?

Saturday, March 7, 2015

3 Years, 10 Months, 4 Days. A Day in the Life of MYeloma

Full day yesterday. It was a day off from work, but busy nonetheless:

5:15 AM     Wake
5:30 AM     Walk Gracie
6:20 AM     Gym. 20 minutes upper body weight bearing exercise for bones. 20 minutes cardio
7:30 AM     Home, shower
8:05 AM     Get donuts for Dr Phan's office
8:20 AM     Procrit shot at Dr Phan.  Hemoglobin was 9.0. Low.  First procrit shot in a month
9:15 AM     Hour drive to West Hollywood for Dr B.
10:20 AM   Monthly Dr. Berenson appt.  All good, pleased with everything.  Total 24 hour protein 1,062.  Upep paraprotein 47%.   Kappa light chains 42.  Give research blood
12:00 PM   Breakfast for Lunch. Smoked Salmon Benedict. Leslie had Eggs Florentine
1:00 PM     Appt with Dr Froch, new kidney doctor. Give blood, urine, schedule ultrasound. Creatinine 3.48. All good
2:20 PM     Back in car for drive home
4:20 PM     Arrive back in Long Beach. 2 hour drive. Stop for early dinner. 
5:30 PM     Home. Walk Gracie
8:30 PM     Sleep

Monday, March 2, 2015


Today is 46 months since my diagnosis. Wahooo. Feeling good. Berenson later this week and we'll know how I'm doing. Expecting two thumbs up.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

March Madness

It's almost March Madness time. The excitement of college basketball. The excitement of doing your brackets.  And here is the place to do your brackets...I've created a group, Blood Cancer Madness 2015, on Yahoo Sports. $10 buy in. Half of funds go to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and the other half will go to 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.  Last year we had nearly 80 people play. This year, we want to exceed 100.  Below is the link to join.  The password is bloodcancer.

Selection Sunday is March 15. Games start March 19.


Friday, February 27, 2015

Blood Work Friday

Wrapped up another cycle of maintenance chemo this week. Today was blood and urine lab work.  Since we draw my blood from my port, I get the blood drawn at Phan's office and carry it to the lab. That's how we do it!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Monday, February 23, 2015

Lack of Focus

Focus.  I've been able to focus for nearly four years.  I've gotten good at thinking about work when I'm at work and not thinking about my health routine. But it really is getting more difficult. Tomorrow is chemo and I'm already thinking about how I'm going to feel the rest of the week. Weds I'll be jacked up, on fire, super productive. Thursday and Friday, I'll be tired, grumpy, not feeling right.  That's all I'm thinking about right now...how I'm going to feel.  The key with this here myeloma is balance.  Balance between thinking about today versus thinking about the near and long term future. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

MMRF 5K March 22 in San Francisco

On March 22, with my Mom, I'm doing the MMRF 5k in San Francisco.  The past couple of years, I've done different events, but this is my first time doing an MMRF walk/run.  I walk, no running for this guy. 

The MMRF is an amazing organization that provides support, creates awareness and funds for finding a cure for this currently incurable cancer of the blood. If you'd like to contribute to the cause, just follow the below link.  Thanks in advance! 


Monday, February 9, 2015

Cure Talk This Thursday Feb, 12

Here's the link to this Thursday's Cure Talk at 3 pm west coast time, 6 pm eastern time. The subject is Early Treatment with Dr Irene Ghobrial from the Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Boston.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

Thumbs Up from Dr B

I had my monthly visit Dr Berenson. All is good. We continue on maintenance. Protein and paraprotein remained the same. My light chains dropped to the lowest level in a long time, which might help explain the low creatinine and improved kidney functions. I am low on vitamin D, so Dr B ramped up my prescription and suggested I get back and see a kidney doctor. I haven't been in several month, but it's time. 

Tuesday is the start of another cycle of revlimid, dex, and velcade.

And that is all I got.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Cycle 4, Day 15 Maintenance

Morning: Work Conference in downtown LA

Afternoon: Port hooked up

Infusion machines
My first and favorite nurse, Cristel, is moving on to a new job. 

Sunday, January 25, 2015


We're one week away from the Super Bowl. For the 39th year in a row, the Vikings aren't in it.  Nonetheless, I've watched probably every super bowl since 1968, except for one, and that was the 1999 game with the Denver Broncos and Atlanta Falcons.  The Vikings were 15-1 that season (1998 season), set all kinds of records and were the best team in the league. Randy Moss was a rookie and he absolutely dominated that season. You know when I hit 84 months since my diagnosis, I'll use Randy Moss's picture.  Sadly, the Vikings hit a bump in the NFC Championship and lost to the Falcons.  I just couldn't watch the SB after that. To this day, I hate the Falcons and cringe at any mention of the dirty bird. 

This week, all the talk has been about the Patriots using deflated balls.  It probably didn't matter, they dominated the whole game and would have dominated with balls at any pressure.  Note all this talk of deflated balls has turned many of us back into 9 year old boys, snickering at any mention of balls.

(note, as I am writing this I just saw a Bud Light commercial for Up For Whatever, where a random guy got to be a human pacman. Awesome!!  Reminds me why I actually like commercials and at one point in my life wanted to work in advertising.)

Anyhow, what does deflategate has to do with cancergate?  Really not much. I just wanted to use cancergate in the title.

I haven't been writing much.  I have written about my myeloma burnout. It continues, although it's not so much burnout, as putting my head in the sand.  This week I do maintenance chemo. It's the last treatment of this cycle.  Later in the week, I'll do my 24 hour urine collection and give half a dozen vials of blood. My kidneys are better than they've been in four years, Physically, I feel great. So I'm fairly certain my labs will be good. Which means we continue on this path.  That's all good.  I keep doing what I need to do, but my mind isn't into it.  I suppose that's good.  I think when I do think about, anxiety hits. What's my future look like? Recently I bought a new car. Well a new used car. It was a fricking tough decision.  But what a stupid thing to get worked up about. It's a damn car. The funny thing is that now that I've made my decision, I wonder if I bought the right car for me, given my circumstance. My circumstance? That I have an incureable cancer that could ramp up in strength any time.  It goes back to the whole thought process....I need to live for today, but also live so I'm good for a long time.  And that's probably the reason why I'm putting my head in the sand. Out of sight, out of mind.

Just thinking out loud here. Once in a while, someone I know says something to me about what I've written on the blog and I get  little sheepish. Like why the hell I am writing what I write. Why am I spilling my thoughts into this blog?

When I was first diagnosed, I got a letter from a friend of my mom's who was battling the disease. He (Dan) set me a letter telling me what to expect.  I was so fricking angry and sad when I was diagnosed. I didn't want to hear from anyone about anything. The anger is gone.  Dan and his wife Tib live in Minnesota. My mom knows Tib from the woodworking and art community.  They live in Minnesota, my favorite state.  I follow Dan on Caring Bridge. Recently they both wrote about how Dan is out of options for treating his myeloma. He's tried it all.  Next up for Dan is home hospice. They're starting now.  But their post of how they were preparing themselves for the inevitable was absolutely beautiful while also so very heartbreaking. Dan wrote about purchasing cat food and how in his mind, he wondered if he'd be around to see all the cat food get consumed. They recently took a trip to spend quiet time in nature before settling in at home. Dan and Tib are amazing. Dan's honesty is inspiring.  But like I said, also heartbreaking. I asked Tib if it'd be ok to mention them in my blog. There's not much I can do from 2,000 miles away, but I wish I could help. The best I can do is send peace, love and energy their direction.

I also want to mention my buddy Brad. He continues to fight the disease with an approach and attitude that I can only hope to come to close to matching. Another case of a person and family that moves me to be a better person.

I've got some work to do. I can't have my head in the sand forever. I can't just keep going through the motions.  I must do more.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015


Latest creatinine number 3.13.  That is the lowest since my diagnosis and is great news.  My kidneys continue to bounce back. Take that myeloma.

Arnie Goodman

I never met Arnie Goodman. But from reading the Myeloma Beacon, I felt like I knew a bit about him. He had an amazing outlook and attitude. Arnie passed away this past July.  His wife wrote a recent post for the Beacon about Arnie's last few days.  It's beautiful and tear jerking at the same time.  Please give it a read.


Sunday, January 4, 2015


44 months came and went. January 2 was 44 months since my multiple myeloma diagnosis. Here are 3 number 44s.

Matt Asiata, current Viking running back. He was undrafted but has become a key component on the team.

Chuck Foreman, my favorite Viking ever. Played in the 70s and who I would emulated if I had made it to the NFL. He ran and set the standard for catching the ball as a running back.

Leroy Kelly,  a Cleveland Browns running back from the 60s and 70s. He's in the NFL Hall of Fame.  One was one of my favorite players growing up.

Rest in Peace Stuart Scott

Stuart Scott, an anchor on ESPN, fought cancer three times. He passed away this morning at the age of 49. Sad news. He gave a powerful speech back on July, give it a look.

Pulled Calf

The calf feels way better.  Back to working out....cautiously. But here's what a pulled calf looks like if you're low on platelets, which I always am. Note, looks worse than it feels. 

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Gracie Refusing to Budge

This morning it was about 43 degrees in So Cal. I thought I could get Gracie to go for a walk. I was wrong.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

News, Notes and Other Almost New Years Eve Thoughts

Hello all, my name is Matt and I'm a myeloma patient.  It's been almost two weeks since my last post.  I recently wrote about the myeloma burnout I'm experiencing and it continues in full effect.  It's started to seep over in to other aspects of my life. Just feeling blah about stuff.  And make no mistake, the fact I feel blah, causes me further angst. I'm supposed to be celebrating and embracing life every single darn day. Instead, I'm a walking bundle of stress, guilt, regret and anxiety.  Tired of thinking about so many things.

Nonetheless, I continue to do well.  Maintenance is doing the trick. I feel good and I'm coming up on 44 months since my diagnosis.  Note that 44 is one of my favorite numbers, as I'll explain come January 2....the 44th month.

But the burnout has prevented me from even being able to update this blog.  Nonetheless, let me get you all updated:

  • Today wrapped up the latest cycle of maintenance...velcade, dex, revlimid and Medrol. This is the third cycle. After cycles one and two, my number improved significantly. This weekend I'll do the 24 hour urine collection to get the latest results. My monthly Berenson visit is January 9.
  • Yesterday I got my interim blood work results.  The key number is 3.39. That's my latest creatinine.  That is excellent. The second lowest number since I was diagnosed.  It means my kidneys are resting, recovering and the myeloma induced protein is lower and therefore not beating up the kidneys. Excellent news, seriously excellent.
  • In parallel with maintenance, I started taking Curcumin. If you google curcumin and myeloma, there is a fair amount of literature about the potential myeloma fighting benefits of curcumin.  Pat Killingsworth and the Myeloma Beacon have had posts about the topic. Coincidence or not, since I started taking Curcumin, my myeloma numbers have taken quite a dip and I've been feeling as good as I've felt in 3 and a half years.
  • I have been feeling quite strong and fit. As I wrote recently, my workouts lately have taken a turn in the positive direction. Cardio is great, I'm kicking ass.  Upper body strength is excellent, I finally figured out a work out routine that doesn't mess up my port, so that's nice.
  • Unfortunately two nights ago, I pulled a calf muscle that impacts my ability to work out. I've been limping around horribly for two days. What happened you ask. Almost embarrassing and definitely a reminder that I'm 53.  I was walking Gracie. We like to mix in an occasional sprint on our walks. She likes it. I like it. And the other night we took off on a sprint and I immediately felt a pop in my upper calf. My first thought was I tore my Achilles. That would suck big time.   I limped home. Iced it and watched it. No bruising, I was still able to move my ankle around, so my lack of formal medical education diagnosis was calf muscle pull. The Achilles was spared.  I showed it to Phan yesterday. He agreed that it wasn't an Achilles tear. But he did caution to watch it carefully, that if the pain persists, he'd want to do an ultrasound to ensure I didn't have a blood clot, which I am at an increased risk of having due to the various medications I take, revlimid being at the top of the blood clot producing potential list. As I write this, I can report that the calf is already starting to feel better. Leslie has me putting Arnica on it, which acts as a recovery speeder upper and anti bruising agent.  The lesson here: I'm old and shouldnt' be randomly starting a sprint as if I was a kid.  Caution Matt Goldman. Stretch Matt Goldman ( I reference my first blog post about stretching nearly 44 months ago).   The sore calf and the amazing amount of ear hair I have are stark reminders of the passing years. Also a lesson is that all things that for normal people aren't a big deal, require me to be extra vigilant and mindful about, because of the myeloma and the crazy amount of drugs I am on.
  • I continue to miss friends and family at an increasing rate. I plan to use the early part of 2015 to deal with this.
  • December 30 is the 10 year anniversary of my step dad Ed's passing. It's gone by fast. I've written before about how when I was initially diagnosed I had vivid dreams with Ed in them, where I was traveling somewhere and Ed kept putting up obstacles in my way, preventing me from getting where I thought I needed to get.  While I'm not the most spiritual person, I took these dreams as a literal effort from Ed telling me it wasn't time for me to die, that I still had living to do.  In death as in life, Ed has had quite an influence on me. He and my mom married when I was 10. 
  • Regular season football is over. The Vikings finished 7-9. They finished the season strong. I'm predicting playoffs for the Vikings in 2015. Teddy Bridgewater is the quarterback of the future. It's time for me to get a Teddy jersey. Do I get a home purple or away white? Hmmm..tough decision. I'm leaning white. I'm don't live in Minnesota, so I'm an away fan...hence white. But I might change my mind.  
  • My friend and mentor Brad is working to gain an upper hand on his myeloma. He had a rod placed in his leg today and he's gearing up for a stem cell transplant.  Google myeloma and Bradstrong to get to his blog. It's an honest, inspiring look at his journey with myeloma.
  • Pat Killingsworth, who relapsed early in 2014 and had been struggling to find a drug mix that worked is doing well and finally got a drug regimen that is beating down the myeloma.  I recently met Pat and Gary Peterson face to face. Both are amazing, funny, positive people who know so much more about the disease than I do.  I'm proud to call them friends. And that's a plus with this disease, the awesome people I have met and become friends with.
  • Gracie has become a brat dog lately. Every time she is left alone in the house, she is destroying stuff. Eating paper, books and cardboard boxes. She never used to do this. Perhaps she too has myeloma burnout and has some stress. While I love Gracie beyond what words can express, I sure wish she'd stop acting like a dog and go back to acting like a person.
And this is all I got. Happy new year to all. Know that you're all on my mind. Here's a picture of the curcumin that I take. It's over the counter and I take 6-8 a day.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014


Never been there, but I have a fascination with it.  Breaking Bad was centered there.  I like the high desert.  Thoughts? Anyone?

Myeloma Burnout

When I met Pat last weekend, he mentioned and we discussed being on myeloma time. Meaning our lives have gone on fast forward. We approach things and make decisions with a mindset that there truly is no time like the present. Live life every day.

Today was day one of cycle 3 of maintainence 2. Holy shiznit, chemo brain has turned me into a bad and unconfident speller). When I showed up to Phan's office today, I was not on the schedule, so they didn't have my velcade.  Normally I am pretty OCD about confirming these things. But this time I didn't confirm.  Normally I call the week before to remind the office I'll be there the coming Tuesday. Didn't do it this time.  So when I was told they didn't have velcade, I assumed i'd have to reschedule treatment.  Immediately I checked in at work, finding out my schedule for Wednesday or Thursday. I started thinking about delaying chemo for a week and how I hate to miss a treatment.  It felt like a massive weight was suddenly dropped on me.  Fortunately, they had velcade in their other office and one of their office staff, Janice, went to get it.  I offered to ride along, feeling guilty for the snafu.  But Janice got it, I stayed at office, talked to the doctor and nurses, and I was back on schedule, including having insomnia tonight.

Tomorrow I am scheduled to speak with some folks about being a patient ambassador for velcade and myeloma.  This is something I've debated doing for a while for various reasons that I won't get in to.  But I convinced myself I wanted to do it, figuring it'd be good to interact with other patients and share my experience. I also thought it'd be fun, educational and a rewarding experience.  I'd have to fly back east for a few days in late January for training.

Believe me, I'm grateful for how well I am doing and how well I feel.  In nearly 4 years with myeloma i've gotten to know people who are thriving, some who are struggling and some who have died.  Quite a mixed bag.  Right now I worry about things like blood draws, staying in shape, what kind of car to get, what to bring to Phan's holiday party this Friday.  Given I have an incurable cancer, Dr Phan says these are good things to worry about.  As they say...it could be worse.

All of the above, brings me to the title of this post. Myeloma Burnout.  While I can tune my myeloma out pretty well, it is always hovering in the dark recess of my brain 24/7.  It hit me today when thinking about rescheduling chemo and pondering being a patient ambassador that I'm kind of burned out on talking and thinking about myeloma (tired of thinking in general as well) But it can't be avoided.  I look at people like Pat and Gary and Cindy and wonder how they do it.  They are passionate, active, positive, knowledgeable advocates and have been doing it much longer than I have.  How do they do it?  It's an admirable mindset.  

Having cancer is nothing like I ever imagined.  It's an ongoing test.  And right now, I trying to figure out the answer to the latest question.  It's an open book test though and input from my fellow patients is welcome and encouraged.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Every Day is Game Day

I haven't written much lately. Not much to say. Yesterday was my monthly Berenson visit.  Two months of maintenance in the books.  Maintenance is dex, velcade, revlimid and medrol. Infusion one day every other week.  Myeloma is funny. Not funny haha, but funny as in weird. It behaves so differently for each individual. I had been on maintenance for a year and a half. Then in March I relapsed, so we went back to Treanda (bendamustine). I did 8 cycles of treanda and we beat the myeloma back down to an acceptable level. So in October it was back to maintenance. The same maintenance I was on when I relapsed. So you'd think, perhaps this routine lost its effectiveness. Right? Wrong. After two months of maintenance my numbers are better than ever. The best they've been since I was diagnosed. Kappa light chains....down.  Paraprotein....down.  Great news, yet so hard to figure out. I'm glad I have a doctor focused solely on myeloma. In theory he understands what is going on.  My visit yesterday was quick.  Berenson said hi, told me I'm doing great and took some research blood. The research blood is nice, because that means they validate my parking. His office is in a high rent district on Sunset Blvd in West Hollywood. Normally we park on a side street. But with the heavy rains, I parked in the building lot.  It would of cost $15. But since I gave research blood. $0.  Woohoo. Small victories.

Last week I visited my mom in Berkeley.  I think it was the first time just me and her spent time together since I was diagnosed.  Sure, we've seen each other plenty. But this was the first chance to just have my mom time, which I needed.  It was nice. I'm going to try and get up to visit her more regularly.

Also going on in Northern California last weekend was the annual ASH conference. ASH being the American Society of Hematology. While I didn't go to the conference, I did got to the conference location and met up with Pat Killingsworth and Gary Peterson.  Both are friends, role models and myeloma advocates.  I'm spoken with them on the phone, on Cure Talk panels and via social media. But this was our first face to face meeting. It was really nice.  They're knowledgeable, funny and supportive . I've borrowed a couple of pictures from Gary.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Kim Alexander

Kim is someone I've gotten to know via Twitter @TheKimAlexander. She is very active in the myeloma and cancer community.  Her husband, Elijah Alexander, was a NFL linebacker who passed away from myeloma in 2010.  This linked article is an interview with Kim and discusses her goals and mission, and what keeps her going.  Worth reading. 

Friday, December 5, 2014

Monthly Labs

The months fly by. Another blood draw from my port. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Story on Medical Marijuana

Interesting story on the cancer fighting benefits of medical marijuana.

A Tip of the Hat to our Caregivers

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think cancer can be more difficult and more stressful for the caregiver. Leslie has been my caregiver and has been remarkable. While I'm pretty self sufficient at this point and am living a normal life. Leslie has gone from being my caregiver to now being her dad's caregiver.  Our caregivers make a lot of sacrifices to take care of others.  Cure Magazine has an article this month on the caregivers challenges. It's worth reading.  Here is the link.