good patient becomes bad patient

We're in the 4th month of this shit. So far I've been a pretty good patient, doing what the doctor says, following orders and working to get better.  Sure I've had moments of being pissed off or depressed, but generally I think I've kept a fairly positive attitude. Until yesterday that is.  Every morning I take about 11 or 12 pills. Yesterday was no different, except it really pissed me off. 11 fucking pills, every fucking day. It's becoming a real bullshit deal.  I really need to see improvement.  Anyhow, that got my day started off on the wrong foot.  Then last night I had a fever, and Dr Phan has been very clear that if I have a fever I need to go to emergency, because I might have an infection.  Well going against his recommendation and Leslie's recommendation, I opted to not go to the hospital.  (Please note.....not looking for advise or any tsks tsks).  I knew the fever would break. And more importantly for me, I knew if I went to emergency I'd end up spending 4 days in the hospital and by day 2, I'd be thinking about how I can kill myself and if I'd have to gumption to actually do it. (again, no advise please.....just venting and letting the thoughts flow).  When I spent 8 days in the hospital a couple of weeks ago it was horrible and I'm not ready for that again. Foolish? Perhaps. But it was decision I made. Leslie called me out as a bad patient, and I can't disagree.

I've been at work every day this week, but I've also been pretty tired. I think the chemo is starting to wear me down a bit. It's hard waking up in the morning.  Tomorrow we have a kidney doctor appointment and hopefully there is improvment. There sure the fuck better be. And I really want these tubes out of my chest.....they're annoying, there is a risk of infection, I can't shower, and I can't roll over on my side. Please let me get the tubes out next week. That alone will help my mood.

We see Berenson next week and will have a good idea if this new regimen is working or not. Again...it sure the fuck better be working. I've been thinking about a rental house I have in Fallon, Nevada. The mortgage is like $850 a month and it's in the middle of nowhere.  Maybe I'll just move in to that house and live a quiet cancer filled life in the middle of Nevada. Woohoo, exciting!!!

What else? I think that's about it for the update.  I had blood work this week, I did a 24 hour urine test (self dignity is out the window), and I'm taking a laxative to flush potassium from my system and that's playing mad games on my belly...if you know what I mean.  But otherwise it's been quiet.