Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Apple Fritter?

Originally this post was going to be titled What a Difference a Day Makes.  Monday I was absloutely out of it. I felt horrible, my body ached, my brain wasn't working, and I was starting to get a little worried about the return of the myeloma. Yesterday, Tuesday, I felt so much better. No aches, no body temperature swings, my brain was functioning. I even rode to work. Everything was fine.  But riding home yesterday I was pooped. I made it home and basically went to bed as soon as I walked in the door. Today I woke up feeling achy again. I drove to work. I was sitting in a meeting today, totally unable to get engaged. I was alternating between being cold and being hot & sweaty. I was certain the myeloma was returning. I left work and went to Dr Phan.  He checked me out, checked me numbers and smiled and said I have the flu.  It's not cancer progression. Phew.  Rest and fluids and stay off my bike for a few days.

I'm pretty pleased with myself for being able to be do so well since being diagnosed. My thinking has been clear this whole time. But not so much of late. Tuesday morning, a friend at work asked what's with the picture of the apple fritter. Huh? I had no idea what he was talking about. But I checked my phone and I sent him two text messages Monday afternoon. One was a photo of a delicious apple fritter, followed by a text that said "y, apple fritter".  Absolutely non-sensical. I also went back and looked at some of my work emails from Monday. Holy shit, some also made no sense. I was far out in space.

I've held things together pretty well. But part of my fear about the myeloma returning, was that perhaps, mentally, I had hit the wall. Perhaps I wouldn't be able to function so well moving forward. That's some scary shit.   But if it's the flu, then I'm good. Rest and knock it out.

The challenges of life, sure don't take a break when you're fighting cancer. Shit just keeps on coming. It was suggested to me recently that I start meditating, to help clear the brain and free myself of worry. I'm naturally a worrier, so meditation is a great idea. I need to do something, I can't freak out every time I feel bad.

As I am writing this I am getting nasty leg cramps. It's fairly normal during my revlimid cycles. But damn is it annoying.  Myeloma...I am going to fuck you up.

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