Thursday, August 29, 2013

A Scared

When I was a kid, we'd go to our grandparents house out in the San Fernando Valley on Sundays.  There are a few things about those visits that I distinctly remember.  I remember the gum and candy drawer in the kitchen. You'd just open the drawer and there would be a gold mine of stuff.  I also remember swimming with the grandparent's dogs, German Shepards. I think one of them might have chipped my sister's tooth.  One of the dogs was Timba.  Growing up I watched a cartoon called Kimba the White Lion. Loved that show and loved the name, The problem is I thought it was Timba, as opposed to Kimba. So when my parent grandparents asked what they should name their dog, a white haired Shepard, I suggested Timba, named after the white lion. The name stuck and Kimba was Timba. (I almost wrote Tomba, which reminded me of Albert Tomba, the Italian champion alpine skier).

The other thing I remember about the grandparents house was the crawl space above the hall way.  We'd walk under the door to the crawl space in the ceiling every time we went to the house. My uncle Jan, about 10 years older than me and my sister, told us that there was a boogie man up in the crawl space. He'd ask if we wanted to go up there and see it. Heck no. I never did. That was a scary thought.

The past few days was a bit of a nervous, scary week.  I'm feeling pretty good. Been riding to work. But I've also been more tired than usual.  Typically for a few days after chemo, I'm tired (once the wired feeling wears off). But after the tired, I feel great. I have a week or so of feeling awesome leading up to the next chemo treatment. I've mentioned in previous posts, that when I am feeling good, I think I feel better than have since way before my diagnosis. It's a great feeling, feeling great. I forget that I even have myeloma.  This week though I've been tired.  Prior to my diagnosis, when I'd ride my bike, I'd feel like I couldn't catch my breath.  I don't get that now, which is a good thing. But I haven't been sleeping well. I wake up a lot at night, and by4:30 or 5 AM I'm awake. So being tired might be a result of that.  Nonetheless I've been worried that the tiredness is a sign that the myeloma is gaining strength. It's kind of been hanging over me, which absolutely sucks. That's the bitch of having myeloma. It's always hanging out in the background. The last  blood work I did was good, showing we have the myeloma under control. I talked to Dr Phan today and he wasn't worried. This weekend I do my monthly large lab work. Pee and blood.  These results will tell me for sure, how I am doing. Given my fear that the myeloma is powering up, I'll be on edge waiting for the results. Combine that antsiness with the moodiness I get from dex, and for the next few days, it is not going to be fun around me.  I'm sure we'll get the lab results and everything is fine but for now I can't help being a little a scared.

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Berenson Oncology Success Rate

 Some reading about my myeloma specialist's success rate. A press release and an article from Targeted Oncology.