Monday, April 1, 2013

And...here it is....the Snap

I've talked many times about how so much of this myeloma journey is mental.  Balancing everything. Balancing everybody. It's tricky and can wear a person down.  Tomorrow marks 23 months since my diagnosis.  I'm doing fantastic.  Rode to work today.  I've got a new work out program that I started Saturday.  It's Saturday and Wednesday at the gym. Monday and Friday are bike days. 

Have many of you have watched the tv show Breaking Bad? It's an awesome show. The fifth season should be starting up soon. The premise in season one is that a normal guy, a high school chemistry teacher in Albuquerque, is diagnosed with cancer. His prospects aren't good.  He decides he needs to do something drastic to take care of his family, financially.  So he puts his chemistry background to work and becomes a crytal meth manufacturer.  WTF does he care, he's dying from cancer and he's gonna do what he has to do.

In some ways, I've been waiting for my moment, when I say fuck everything and do whatever I want.  I haven't really had that.  When I was diagnosed it was more shock, sadness and disbelief.  I had some mad moments, but nothing huge.  In some ways, I've been waiting for that all out, I'm angry, I break stuff moment.

This morning, getting my bike out of the garage, I knocked over a box of glasses left over from the wedding. I've bumped into them before, but did I bother to move them so it doesn't happen before? Nope, left them right in the same spot.  Well, this morning I knocked them over and several broke. I snapped. I was pissed.  It's an hour later and I'm still irritated. But it's not the glasses that I'm mad about. I think the glasses might have been the final straw.  I'm busting my ass at home and at work and being super damn diligent and careful about everything I do, everything I think, everything I eat. That's just how it's going to be.  But fucking shit, the world around me isn't always accommodating. I'm thinking about a waste of time interview for a promotion I have tomorrow.  It's a sham, they already know who is going to get the job. The other person, who I like and consider a friend, is absolutely qualified and a good fit for the job.  But it's not me and I have to go through the charade.  Prior to my diagnosis, I think I would have had a better chance.  Now I'm damaged goods.
I've been thinking a lot about how I got to this point in life. Thinking about friends and family and mentors and role models and supporters and all that.  I'm mad about that. Mad at myself for decisions I've made. Mad at others for making things about themselves. Mad at others for not guiding me, when I needed it.   It's foolish to rehash the past. It's best to look forward.  But damn, I'm pretty mad about a bunch of stuff.

I'm kind of thinking I've snapped. It's coming up on two years and it took this long, but I might have hit that point. We'll see. Let's see how I rebound today and this week.

1 comment:

  1. Matt, you have plenty of reason to be mad. I think our society tells us that anger is bad and we have to avoid it, but denying it only pushes it deeper. Healthy anger is a valid and useful emotion. it allows you to say "fuck MM, I'm gonna live my life." it also allows you to evaluate all the other emotions that may be hiding under the surface. i find that my anger frequently masks sadness, but again, our society doesn't want us to acknowledge sadness. just being human allows for countless reasons to be sad and angry, and I think that looking at that shit helps us rebound. be kind to yourself and allow what's there to be felt. ( just my two cents :)

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