Thursday, March 21, 2013

Oops, I forgot

I'm stupid. Now, now....don't say "oh Matt, you're not stupid".  I'm stupid in the sense of what I forget. I mean, I forget a lot of stuff lately; keys, papers, wallet, lunch, stuff at home, stuff at work, etc.  I chalk it up to chemobrain.  It's real.  But I've come up with a technique lately to help me find what I've misplaced. It's called: stop, retrace, success.  I stop searching, retrace in my head what I was doing when I last saw something and success! I find what I am looking for.

But I'm stupid, because I  also forgot today something much more important. How damn far I've come.  We're approaching 23 months. I can ride my bike to work again. I'm doing the Big Climb this weekend,  7 years after I first did it. When I first did it, it was for kicks. For fun.  I knew that the LLS was involved, but it was just an organization to me. I didn't have ties to it.  Well, lo and behold, now I'm doing the Big Climb, after thinking I'd never do anything like it again. And it has a whole lot of meaning to me. The LLS supports crucial research into all blood cancers. Hey, guess what I have... blood cancer. But hey guess what... I'm doing great. On Sunday me and others are climbing 70 stories of stairs. I guess that is a pretty big deal. Team Goldman has raised nearly $3,000. I've never raised anything close to that amount for anything. Ever.   I'm touched and honored that so many people are chipping in. And it hit me today, what this means. It means I'm still here, I'm still thriving. That's pretty fucking good.

I gotta give myself little pep talks every so often. That's another common thread among other patients, which is teaching yourself to think differently. Think differently about your life and your role and your every day.  I'm now imagining that Sunday when I start the climb, it will really hit me. Will I cry? Perhaps.  23 months later, I'm doing something I once did before. Actually it's something someone else named Matt Goldman did once before. It doesn't feel like that was me 7 years ago.

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