Thursday, January 31, 2013

Ugh, the Mind

So today it was back to chemo. First time in two weeks That's my maintenance program. Chemo every other week, some drugs at home and we monitor. Not so bad. My creatinin this week is at 3.9. Pretty good number. My blood count was low, so I also got a shot to help with that. I had gone over a month with great blood counts and no need for a shot. But I needed one last week and now today. Dr Phan says it is just the result of chemo. It suppresses the bone marrow's blood making ability.

The two week break between treatments seems like a long time. I kind of forget about the myeloma for 14 days. Going for chemo is always a bit of a slap in the face reminder. Oh right, this is what I have.

Today, for the first time that I've seen, there was a kid, maybe 10 years old, getting chemo at Phan's office. For the most part, most patients are older than me or right around the same age. There have been a few younger adults, but not too many. So seeing a youngster kind of threw me off. He was with his mom and seemed pretty calm and cool about the whole thing. Sounded like he is experienced with all this. That is pretty messed up that kids have to go through this. It's sad, actually. As I was wrapping up my treatment, the kid's mom left to go to the pharmacy, so he was left alone. He was the last patient, so he had the nurses attention and he didn't seem at all stressed or frightened by being on his own.  But after I was in my car and driving away, I started to feel like a real ass. I said goodbye to the youngster as I was leaving, but that was it. I'm feeling like I should have asked if he wanted me to stay and hang with him until his mom got back. But the thought came to me after I was gone. A little late at that point. So now I'm wrestling with the voice in my head that is telling myself I'm an oblivious, self centered jerk. Ugh, it makes me mad that I thought about this after the fact.  Just one giant ugh! Fucking Matt.

1 comment:

  1. Matt, I kinda feel in my "heart" what you are going through. (Knightmare on Elm's Street") This bullshit that you are going through is not right!!! Why you have been chosen to deal with this mother fucking shit, I can't quite figure out? I love you ( your sister) and if you need someone to talk to, I will always be there for you.

    Luv,
    Your sister,
    Dana

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