This or that? This seems to be the question with cancer, myeloma or any serious illness. Do I do this or do I do that. Every action I take feels like it needs to have a purpose. But then again, why I can't just say fuck it and go out in a blaze of glory. For instance...I've been working out fairly regularly. I'd been swimming. Then we did a bone scan and my bones are generally ok, they're starting to reflect the impact of the myeloma and the steroids. I have no pain. So that's all good. But because of this hint of damage, I've adjusted my workout. No more swimming. Only weight bearing exercise, which helps strengthen the bones.
Food. Everything I eat I need to think about. We're still nursing the kidneys. But this time of year is tough.. So many treats and sweets and good stuff. Most I can't eat, but sometimes I'd like to say what the fuck, I'm eating what I want.
How I react to stress and people and work and life in general, is all predicated on how my reaction impacts my body and my well being. Sometimes, it'd be nice to just blow a gasket. Might feel good.
I can have a beer now and again..moderation. It doesn't necessarily impact my kidneys, but it does slow my ability to make blood. My bone marrow is constantly stressed from my meds and treatment. Alcohol adds to that stress.
I suppose I'm figuring out a balance on all this. I do chemo every other week. I know the day after chemo, I'll be jacked up on my massive dose of steroids. But this is followed by a day or two of being real tired. This week was a chemo week, and I was particularly tired the past couple of days. Being tired impacts my mental state. I did do blood work yesterday and things still look good. Usually I'll see a bounce in some numbers (in a bad way) the week I do chemo. But this week, no real bounce at all. So next week, when I'm off chemo, my numbers ought to look really good.
So what I am saying? I guess I'm saying that this is a real balancing act. Everything I do, requires thinking and I must make smart decisions. But there are times, I'd like to just turn off the mind and live it up. Don't get me wrong, I feel pretty darn good and we're well into maintenance and things look good. But it kind of hit me this morning (on the way home from gym), that I need to be smart about things, but also need to live life every day.