Pretty quiet week on the myeloma front. No shots, no appointments, no lab work.
Most recent blood work shows my white & red blood cell counts going up....both are in the almost normal range. Creatinin is at 4.9. High for a normal person, but good for me. NORMAL person.
This brings me to my question. Who am I? Since my diagnosis, I've changed. Everything has changed. Relationships, work, love, my dog, exercise, relaxing.....how I view all these things is forever different. One of things we talk about with Erin, my cancer coach, is that I don't want my identity to be that I am a cancer patient. I want to be Matt. But it's impossible to not see myself forever as a cancer patient. I suppose the fact that I'll always be doing treatment...maintenance or more intense....has something to do with my self view. Myeloma never really goes away. It's always lurking. But also, it's the fact that mentally, myeloma is always there. Everything I do is measured against what it means for my myeloma. And this is what doctors and nurses can't tell you. I wish there was some sort of guide book. I've been to support groups, but those are just bitch sessions more than anything else, and I didn't leave them feeling rejuvenated.
So really I can't avoid seeing myself as a cancer patient. But I can also be Matt. I get Erin's point about not letting the myeloma dictate who I am or what I do. I can be me, but I can also use my life changing experience to be a better me. I.e. do something with what I've learned. Part of me feels,like I need to get more involved in advocacy. I'm lucky, I've got a great team who can help me through this. But what about those who don't. Erin is a cancer survivor. She rarely talks about her cancer yet is able to help guide other patients through the mental. On a side nite, she'll be marrying me and Leslie.
What's my point? I don't know. Just rambling, it's 3 am and I'm awake. I'm torn on the whole Fuck Cancer movement. Yes fuck cancer. But are we giving it too much power by telling it to fuck itself. Prhaps it should be Turn your Head From Cancer.