Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Must Control the Brain

One more day of chemo this week and I'll be done with this cycle. This week is easy....no Treanda (the heavy hitter) and no huge dose of benadryl (the make me drunk component). Next week, me and Leslie are taking a vacation. Going to North Carolina to see my dad and stepmom, and going to Columbus, Ohio to see my nephew and his wife. We are super excited. Our first big trip in fricking ages. When we get back, we'll see Berenson and again discuss maintenance versus another cycle. It all depends on if we get more improvement with this latest cycle. For sure, I've been feeling great of late. Almost normal in fact, and that's while doing chemo.

And herein lies the complications of the brain. Let's go thru a list. For one, going onto maintenance is the goal, of course. But the thought of maintenance is also scary, as I have said before. We've got control of the myeloma, but is eliminating the heavy drugs, giving it a chance to rebound? Shit,what cha gonna do? Who knows. I need to constantly remind myself that I can't worry about that. We've got this looking like a chronic thing and I simply need to keep doing all the positive things I've learned. Life is pretty sweet and the thought of myeloma impacting that, can be a downer...to say the least. But as I said, I can't worry about that.

The trick about feeling good, is it makes me want to quickly get back to normalcy. I'm ready to work full time, don't want to miss any more time away from it. Crazy right? Feeling so good makes me block out some of things I still need to do. I still need to work on kidney improvement. But I've been on this crazy diet for a year, and I am so ready for other foods. I want nachos and pizza and slathered bake potatoes and beer. F those kidneys. But my brain needs to slow its roll. Give things a chance. Lately my brain has been reviewing a lot of history. Feeling regret, wanting to apologize to people, and replaying events and decisions is common. But that's absurd. I have to look forward and I'm pretty happy with my life around me. Things have all worked out. Never thought I'd say that 12 months ago. But things have worked out, I'm more confident in myself than ever before. And at this point, I'm not necessarily worried about dying, but I would be bummed if myeloma jacked up my appreciation of life and people. Know what I mean?

It's curious, I've been pretty lucky up to now. I've got a treatment that works and I can tolerate. In the past 12 months I've unfortunately seen folks who are really struggling. It's hard to see but also reminds me of the blessing I've received (whoa...I said blessing). So this week my brain has been throwing a bit of a pity party. Feeling bad for myself. But I got to get control of it. I'm feeling good and worried about getting fat. Silliness, is what that is. Come on Matt, don't do that. Later this week, its the life coach and acupuncture....two important steps in my recovery. And just a note or disclaimer, I'm jacked on steroids right how, so the brain is going a million miles an hour, and I'll likely be up all night. WooHoo! Forgive the rambling.

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